Gary’s Penis Problem

WARNING:  Graphic in a zoo kind of way

Yesterday, when I set out into the garden to let the ducks out of their pond, I noticed something strange dragging behind Gary.

Something red was bobbing in the grass as he waddled by me.

I suppose from the title of the story you probably know what it was.

OMG!!!!  DUCK PENIS!!!

This is not unusual in the duck world, and it’s not even unusual in our backyard.  Gary is a very horny duck, particularly during mating season, which has thankfully now passed for this year.
Gary has three girlfriends at home; Honk, Howard and Sally.  He sure does take his turn with each of them all summer.  Just for example’s sake, I have personally witnessed Gary doing it with Honk three times in a 30 minute period.

That’s right ladies, Gary the Duck puts all of your men to shame.  First you felt jealous of my duck ladies, then you felt relieved, right?  I mean, nobody’s got time to be doing it three times in half an hour in the middle of the afternoon for four months on end.

ANYWAY, I have seen Gary’s wiener before, every time he mounts one of the girls and finishes his business, he jumps right off , makes a big whistle and proudly struts very quickly around the yard, head held high.  It’s pretty funny really.  He stands up as straight as he can during this performance and you can usually see his curly noodle wiener waggling around behind him.  It’s the exact opposite of a walk of shame.

His noodle wiener is not only shaped like a cooked fusilli noodle, it’s the same color.  Note to reader:  I have been unable to eat fusilli noodles since the first time I saw Gary’s wiener.

Much like a human man, it takes a minute or two for it to retract, but it always does.  I have been known to yell out to Gary, “that’s enough buddy, put it away”, while laughing at his sexual stamina.

But yesterday…. Yesterday he came waddling out of the garden with his wiener bouncing along behind him, but it wasn’t the usually noodle color, it was cherry red.  He didn’t seem as ecstatic as usual and didn’t smile and honk as he went by.  And I knew immediately what it was, a prolapsed phallus, as it is known in the avian veterinary world.

We don’t take our ducks to the vet anymore.  Last time we went it was for Honk and ended with a $260 diagnosis of Arthritis, a distressed duck and a recommendation that we get an MRI for our $1.99 covid era pet.  Thanks anyway.

Dr. Google has been utilized since as an online vet and it has worked quite well.  But to be honest, we’ve never face a duck with a penis problem before now.

According to a precursory search on my phone, prolapsed phallus, or stuck duck wiener is caused by one of several things.

1. Overuse (GARY!)  While that might have been true mid-summer, he’s been much calmer lately with the ladies.
2. Abrupt change in weather….. not especially applicable
3. Infection…  possible he scraped it getting out of the pond and now has some kind of infection causing swelling.
4. STI-  REALLY?  No strange lady ducks have been seen smoking cigarettes in the yard lately so……

Google’s advice was to put some Preparation H around it (his wiener) and shove it back in.  My (human) Rooster left for the ocean yesterday morning so I was on my own.  I made a plan to catch him in the coop and apply the salve.

Catching him was easy, but I gotta tell you, he’s a 20 lb duck and he is a strong Mo Fo (lol).  I caught him after chasing him around the pool a few times, all of the other ducks quacking, running around flapping their wings.  I imagined they were saying “What’s she doing to him?  OMG she’s gonna get Gary!  Run Gary, Run!”.   Holding him was another challenge because I only had one hand I could use.  The other one had fingers full of Preperation H, ready to slather as soon as I could get a hold of that penis.

What has my life come to?

I had him right where I wanted him, hugging him to my chest with one hand, feet off of the ground (his not mine) and just as I reached for his wiener, he shat a giant poop all over my left thigh, which was clad only in thin leggings.  Who knows where the finger full of goo ended up landing because it was gone when I regained sound mind and body.

I immediately released him and he ran to the other side of the coop, the other ducks all followed cheering loudly, Gary most of all.  He had bested me this time.

I gracefully took the loss, because honestly I was a gal with one leg covered in duck crap, and I cowardly left the coop, slowly making my way back to the house in disgrace.

I hoped the trauma of it all might have scared his wiener back into it’s internal spot by this morning, but no such luck.

I talked on the phone with a vet this morning who recommended dosing him with Children’s Motrin a few times a day for a couple of days to see if that wouldn’t reduce any swelling enough to get it to go back in.  Otherwise it’s the Preparation H treatment again once my Rooster returns home to the farm.  If it doesn’t go in, we may have to amputate….. and nobody wants that.

I hope your were able to ignore the crazy ads coming up.  I’m working on why they are taking over.  But not harder than I’m working on saving Gary’s penis.

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