Ah, the holidays, that joyous season of lights and merriment. CHRISTMAS…..
Tis the season to go shopping! Or to hang out in your pj’s by the fire with your tablet fiercely aimed at Amazon.com…….
Tis the season to bake an annoying amount of cookies, and if you’re like me, you will try once again vehemently to make Grandma’s fudge, only to fail miserably once again. I’m serious, I can’t do it, I don’t know what my problem is.
Tis the season to haul all of the decorations down from the attic and delight at making a vicious, sparkly, Santa themed mess out of your already ordinarily over decorated home.
Tis the season for crafting, and boy did I craft. I made three different crafts this year. One for my most precious loved ones, consisting primarily of concrete, made out of the remnants of my own garden, covered in spray paint and lacquer.
Ahem, moving on.
One craft for my witchy, believer friends, charged by the light of the Supermoon.
And one for fun, it was easy and creative, people will love it. They have all already been completed!
Tis the season for family and for gathering your loved ones close to you for a cup of holiday cheer, too much food and gifts a plenty. Sounds great!
But what praytell of the people who don’t have all that? What of the people missing one or more crucial pieces of this beautiful month long scramble.
I am one of them this year.
This year, for the first time since 16 years ago that we first met. I will not have my partner in crime with me on Christmas, and for that reason I have been filled with a profound sadness. A sadness almost ridiculous. A sadness absolutely unjustified.
My Rooster will be traveling to Salt Lake City for the holiday. He will be spending it with his Dad and two young brothers. He will miss out on the running around from family event to family event. He will not be loading all of the presents into the car for me, and he will not be eating my deviled eggs as fast as I can make them.
I will be the one who arrives bearing the Rooster Juice this year.
This is not without valid, totally understandable reason. But emotions, they cannot be reasoned with.
You see, collectively, our household has endured a lot of loss this year. I have lost two family members and we have lost two friends to the greedy hands of death, three of the four of which were quite sudden happenings.
This fact alone has caused my Rooster (especially) to pause and to engage in much deep thinking of late.
Although his Dad, Chickenhawk, plans to move back home in a year or so, he turned 70 years old in October. My Rooster has not spent a Christmas with his Dad since he was just a Rooster teen, well, in his early twenties, he was just a wee cock then, or perhaps he was even more cocky, I cannot even begin to guess.
Over teary conversations about how we shouldn’t be apart over Christmas, it was determined that he would make this trip alone. It is as important to me to be home with my family this Christmas after the year we’ve had, as it is important to my Rooster to spend this Christmas with his Dad.
You just never know what’s going to happen, as we witnessed this year.
For the same reason, I also considered the health of my grandparents in this decision, as I wonder how many holidays I have left with them.
Thankfully, my humanity and deep thinking have a way of evolving my thoughts, especially when I am sad. I hate being sad. My Rooster hates when I’m sad….. It’s all the messy tears and huffing and being unreasonable……. I guess I get it.
And after traveling through several stages of processing……
There is finally acceptance.
The very first thing I did when I came out of my fog, was have a brilliant idea. I had to buy some big heads, immediately. Thank God for Groupon.
You know the ones, larger than life cardboard cut outs on sticks. I have one of him, and I have sent one to his Dad’s house that is of my own very big head. This will have us together, and not annoying each other. Too bad there was no voice recording option. LOL.
That really helped me. It helps me more that he doesn’t even know about it, and my big head will be a fun surprise when he gets there.
But you know what else helped me? Getting out of my own real, actual big head.
It helped me to remember that even though we won’t be together on Christmas Day, my Rooster is without a doubt coming back to me. When he does, we will have our own personal Christmas, and it will be wonderful. All of this angst will be a thing of the past.
My Uncle Frank and his family, they (we all) lost my cousin Frankie totally unexpectedly and very young, early this year. He won’t be at Christmas, not ever again. He is so very missed by everyone, every single day.
Our friend Victor, gone due to a massive stroke in September. I’m sure his best friend Bucky is still confused. How do you explain that to a dog? Granted, dogs don’t really understand Christmas (probably), but he knows his person his missing. I know for a fact that his friends miss him too. A lot. He will not be at Christmas.
My Aunt Loretta, gone in October to a painful end from Pancreatic Cancer. She has a twin sister, Aunt Donna. I cannot imagine how much Aunt Donna is missing Aunt Loretta this Christmas Season, and everyday. Imagine if you will, what it would be like to lose your twin sister. Your twin sister who has been your best friend your entire 80 years of life. This Christmas there won’t be a whole bunch of matching presents. Just the one set.
Finally, and most recently. I feel so much pain and loss for our friend Samantha and her seven year old daughter. She lost her boyfriend Shawn just a few weeks ago to a sudden cardiac episode. They have been together for several years and had blended their families. Shawn has 8 kids of his own, I feel for all of them to the core of my being. What will Christmas bring for them this year? They have been embraced by the community, by friends and their large tribal family, they will not want for stuff, but what can make your first Christmas without your Dad not hurt so much?
Considering all this, and knowing that we are still doing the Toy Runs, and Gerbil Christmas, the office Christmas party and spreading the holiday cheer in the form of homemade crafts and Rooster Juice, I’m not so sad anymore.
This weekend we’re going on our annual Jeeping Christmas Tree hunt, and up until today I have refused the idea of us bringing one home. I think now I will likely acquiesce, and there will be a Christmas Tree in our house after all.
I guess I can be a grown up about him going to Utah without me for Christmas this one time. Because honestly, I would be miserable sitting around Salt Lake City with my Rooster, Chickenhawk and the two teen boys, knowing that I am really missing out on all of the craziness at home. And you know they would make me do all the lady work.
My soul would never allow me to even contemplate the attempt to take this experience away from my Rooster, or Chickenhawk, or the boys.
So I will have to load up the gifts by myself, and there will be extra deviled eggs to go around. My brother and brothers in law will help me unload my jeep……
At least I will be on time to the parties, and I will have a super fun time waving his big head around, and taking selfies with it, and doing other inappropriate things. I’m sure.
I am equally as sure that they will do wicked things with my big head, and that’s ok.
The holidays make people so happy, and at the same time, it can also be so irretrievably sad that most of us can’t even comprehend it. It’s almost impossible to tell.
So this is my Santa “ask” for this Christmas, and I hope you can do it, I hope Santa can help you along.
I hope and wish that you can find it within yourself to be kind this Christmas, at the store, or bank, or coffee line. I hope and wish that you can find it within yourself to just make somebody’s day for no reason except for that you noticed that maybe you can.
None of us have any idea what others are bearing this year, or anytime really.
I wish you all Happy Holidays from our home to yours! Ho Ho Ho!